One of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way: When caring for someone else with a disease ——you can’t disappear
Caregiving is love—but it is also relentless responsibility.
The responsibility of comforting him was entirely up to me. To calm him. To carry the emotional weight.
Caregiving is love—but it is also relentless responsibility.
All I wanted some days was:
To sleep through the night.
To have a few quiet minutes to myself.
To rest from the constant vigilance.
To feel safe.
Here is the truth I had to learn the hard way:
You cannot disappear in order to care well for someone else.
The one thing I did to reconnect to myself while caring for my husband was rebuild connections outside the illness.
Alzheimer’s has a way of slowly narrowing your world. Conversations revolve around
Symptoms
Schedules
Safety
— and Decline.
The diagnosis becomes the only story in the room—and I began to slowly fade into the background of my own life.
You know the old phrase, “Put your own oxygen mask on first?”
I knew if I didn’t take care of me first, there was no taking care of someone else very well.
As a means of restoring my connection to my community again, I began scheduling breakfast, lunch, and dinner with friends.
Not “when things calmed down.” Not “when I have time.” I put it on the calendar.
These friends and I talked about shopping, exercise, our favorite Mexican restaurant - anything but Alzheimer’s and what it was taking from my husband and me.
Those meals did more than fill silence. They reconnected relationships. They restored rhythm.
They reminded me I was still part of a wider community—part of life that existed beyond medication schedules and behavioral changes.
For an hour or two, I was simply Vicki.
And this is important:
You are allowed conversations that are not about care plans.
You are allowed laughter in the middle of grief.
You are allowed connection that has nothing to do with the illness.
Staying tethered to community doesn’t mean you love your spouse any less.
It means you are making sure you don’t vanish while loving them.
Another important step for maintaining your sense of self can be hiring a caregiver for your partner.
Download my free guide: 7 THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN CHOOSING A CAREGIVER