Resilience is a System
Caregiving Requires Resilience — and a System to Care for Yourself
Caregiving Requires Resilience — and a System to Care for Yourself
After a few years of “going it alone” while caring for Lee, I came to understand a few things:
My body was telling me I couldn’t keep doing it this way. It was sending me data in the form of fatigue, headaches, stress, and depression.
I was trying to solve a problem that had only one ending. Alzheimer’s is a terminal disease. A turning point in protecting my own health was accepting that this was a problem I could not solve. But I could love him and care for him to the end. I needed a system to help me do that.
I needed help. I needed a community—a network of people who could step in at different moments, in different ways. As I built that circle of support, something shifted. My strength returned. My resilience deepened. And I could meet my husband with a steadiness I didn’t have before.
Author and researcher Eric Markowitz describes one of the most resilient systems in nature: a forest. A forest is not resilient because each individual tree is “tough.” It is resilient because it is interconnected. If one tree is attacked by pests, it sends signals through the fungal network in the soil to warn the others. If a clearing opens up, surrounding trees move to fill the gap. In nature, the whole is stronger than any one part.
That principle applies to caregiving, too.
How I strengthened my resilience through community after trying to do caregiving alone:
Caregiving is constant—24/7, relentless, unforgiving. Lived moment to moment, it can crush your soul. But with a system of support—and the resilience to use it—you can carry what feels impossible.
We often think of resilience as part of a hero’s journey — something solitary, noble, and self-contained. But resilience is rarely built alone. More often, resilience is created through a network of support, and through hundreds of small decisions that make endurance possible. Another word for that is community.
1. I reconnected with old friends.
I leaned into three close friends who had known me for 20 to 30 years, and who knew Lee almost as well. Their perspective mattered because they knew who he had been before Alzheimer’s, and they understood what I was losing. Knowing I could call them at any time reminded me I was not alone.
2. I built a network of experts.
This included medical professionals who could explain the progression of the disease, caregivers and support professionals who shared practical guidance, and staff at the assisted living facility who could observe Lee in ways I could not. I learned to measure success in small wins. I also learned that even when professionals disagreed with me, I was still the expert on my husband.
3. I made room for my own needs.
Research shows caregivers fare better psychologically when they maintain meaningful roles outside caregiving, protecting their sense of identity from being consumed by the caregiver role.
I paid attention to my need for friendship, connection, and belonging. Volunteering, game nights, book club, leading a group and simply telling friends what I needed — which was not easy — all became part of my support system. And that system made me more resilient. In turn, it helped me become a steadier caregiver, care partner, and wife.
Another place resilience is found: Faith
Former spousal caregivers I’ve spoken with have also shared that they leaned into their faith, especially when their journey as caregiver ended.
During caregiving, the demands on their schedules kept them from sharing in the comforting rituals and routines of the spiritual community that once grounded them. Returning to those activities recharged the soul, provided outlets for meaningful discussion, and opportunities for social activities with like-minded people.
Resilience does not come from individual toughness. It comes from the strength of the systems we build around us.
If this would be of value to you to hear more about how I restored my sense of community after 4 years of caregiving, Subscribe to Vicki’s Substack, “The Tender Warrior.”
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