“The Tender Warrior”

Caregiving changes.

One of the hardest sentences I’ve ever heard: “You need to remove him. Immediately.”

He was agitated. Not violent—overwhelmed. He didn’t know how to ask for help. He only knew how to escalate until someone paid attention.

Three days after bringing him home, I moved him to a smaller residential care home I’d found the week before. Over time, he settled. Became calmer. Content.

A year later, the care was consistent and kind.

But there was a cost. Six months into his residency, we had to make a tough decision: I couldn’t visit my husband anymore. My visits upset him too much.He was so entrenched in his routine - it was essential for his comfort and care - that any disruption caused a “fight or flight” reaction. Upon my entering the room, he would either become combative, or want to leave, run away.

The final decision was made after a drive we took, just 10 minutes, around the block. When he got out of the car, he wandered in circles, unsure of what to do or where he was. He walked forward only when the caregiver came out and gently guided him to the house. As I stared at this scene, mouth open in shock, I understood how far he had declined.

So after years of structuring every day around his care…the only comfort I could reliably provide was paying the monthly bill.

And I was left with only myself to look after, which was a disorienting shift.

Here are 3 things I did to restore my sense of self:

1. I attended to my business.

I maintained structure in my calendar, and “time blocked” the day. This kept me on task, but also instilled a sense of control. Routines create a “sense of coherence and predictability… enhancing psychological well-being and self-efficacy”

The Social Zeitgeber theory suggests that breaking from maintaining our daily routines can affect us emotionally and mentally. Movement. Purpose. Even the smallest of projects - like trying a new recipe for dinner - felt very intentional and was rewarding upon completion. And tasty.

I started up my real estate business after pausing it to care for my husband for 4 years. Helping clients buy or sell homes reminded me I can still move something forward. Meeting a contract deadline. Organizing the files in preparation for closing. Meeting a client to help stage their home for photos. All of these small tasks (and many others) combine to make a successful home sale or purchase. I maintained ownership and agency over my business life.

2. I improved my own home.

One way to think about home is by applying Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a framework developed to describe human motivation from the most dire of needs to the most self fulfilling.

Home integrates two middle levels of Maslow’s hierarchy: the second level “Safety” and the third level ”Love and Belonging.” Home requires both. How to Find Belonging and Enhance the Satisfactions of Home

Home is my refuge. Home is where I not only rest my head, it is where I rest, create, cook, write, decorate, recharge the batteries. My memories of home with my husband are quite happy and take me back to a time of joy.

I planned capital improvements on my home, for my own comfort, and for future movement. Paver the driveway. Rearrange the office furniture. Attend to the landscaping. These projects kept me pointed toward the future.

Improving my home gave me order, comfort—and readiness for what lies ahead.

3. I reached out to one friend every day.

Caregiving narrows your world. The 24/7 demands shrink your world, just when you could really use the time with friends or family. At one point, I truly felt that if I was asked to make one more “life or death” medical decision, on my own, then I would dig a hole and disappear.

Connection widens the world again. Yes, I had to reach out, no one was coming to me. People who aren’t going through your situation will look to you for direction. They are well meaning, but they don’t have the playbook on how best to support you. Don’t be afraid to give it. Be specific about what you need or want. “I need to talk about my husband, let’s meet for coffee for an hour.” “I don’t know how to make these medical decisions. Perhaps you can provide another perspective?” These are specific prompts I used so friends knew what I needed.

A text. A walk. A call.

Friendships reminded me I still belonged to something larger.

Caregiving changes.

Love changes shape.

• Sometimes it’s hands-on devotion.

• Sometimes it’s letting others step in.

• Sometimes it’s writing a check.

And sometimes it’s learning to build a life that still includes you.

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I was a caregiver of a husband with Alzheimers for 4 years and lost sense of who I was along the way.

I write to help others who feel isolated in losing the love of their life To find a sense of belonging after.

I write about ways to belong to yourself again (once you’ve lost her) in my weekly newsletter “The Tender Warrior.” Because— I truly had to be a warrior most days, but for the man who was the absolute love of my life.

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